Just Breathe

March 4, 2012 in Uncategorized

On Sunday I had a panic attack. I was dying. Again. I think I’m dying fairly often. This could either be because I am, in fact, often dying but God always saves me at the last minute, or I am, in fact, never dying but my immense fear of dying makes me think I am.

It doesn’t help that I live alone. With two dogs, but they’re not trained in telephone etiquette. So I’ll die and my dogs will be terrified. And hungry (but hopefully not hungry enough to eat me). And I’ll quietly rot away. And be found like that. The sight, the smell and above all, you can’t suck in your stomach when you’re dead. Ugh.

I can’t remember whether I’ve always been scared of dying. I know I’ve always made lists of the attendees at my funeral. I would just die (again) if only 12 people rocked up. So every couple of years or so I make a list and count how many people I think will come. I realise I’m going to need a fairly small church but if I include my parents’ friends and my brothers’ friends and some clients it will hopefully not be too, dare I say it, mortifying.

So as I was saying, on Sunday I was dying again and freaked out enough to call Jenny next door to warn her of my impending demise. Being Jenny, overflowing-with-soul, she insisted I come around. I went there and, while she talked soothingly to me, her unplanned fourth child, I paced with the hotwater bottle she gave me clutched to my chest with every muscle in my body tensed to the max as I screamed in my head: Calm down!! Stop panicking!! Stop dying!!

That’s when Jenny told me to quit trying to tell my brain what to do – it won’t listen. I should tell my body what to do and my brain will follow. And she told me to breathe. Just breathe. It was the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. But when Jenny puts on her mommy voice you shut up and you breathe. So I did. And lived. OK, I would’ve probably lived anyway. But a lightbulb went off. Forget the brain, fix the body. Brain altering is hard. Breathing is surprisingly easy.

That’s my lesson for today kids. Breathe. It can save your life. And for God’s sake, make friends with your neighbours. They could turn out as amazing as Jenny. And if they don’t, they’ll probably feel guilty not to go to your funeral, so you’ll score more attendees!




You can find these recipes at http://thecoocoocook.blogspot.com xx

2 responses to Just Breathe

  1. I have told all my family that I don’t want a funeral……that way I don’t have to worry about the attendance figures or have to rent-a-crowd! :)

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